The Crossroads Between Our 2 Toddlers And Whether To Try For Baby #3

While I usually blog about outfitting, making you as a woman/mother feel better, dress better, present yourself better, I’ve had a thought weighing on me for quite some time and I need to share and write about it to make me feel better. And hopefully in turn, it can help anyone else struggling with their own pressure This post is a little personal but it’s real life as I am truly at a crossroads. Do we try for baby #3 or just let our family be? This is a loaded question for so many reasons.

I am well aware that even this consideration is a luxury that a lot of parents who might struggle to conceive don’t have. Or in other countries where resources are limited or government truly regulates people’s lives. I also firmly believe in population control and that not everyone needs a million kids as there are already so many without food or families. This is definitely the reasonable struggle, but I also have a personal struggle. I have always known I wanted a large family. When Robert and I first got together we agreed that we would love to have 4 kids. Well, a newborn with colic as newlyweds took that number down a bit. Robert is one of 3 children and loves it. I only have a brother, and while I try not to project onto my kids and compensate on things I didn’t have (most of the time), I want my children to have many siblings. My desire to have a third is quite possibly way more for them and not myself. I don’t necessarily have baby fever, I honestly hate the newborn stage. I do not forget the sleepless nights (we still have them) but the scary lonely nights where you fear any crying, lack of breathing, and the dark. If someone could hand me a 3 year old I would be fine. We are just getting out of the trenches and being able to breathe a little bit, or actually go places with our kids and have it be enjoyable. I say that I would be fine skipping the newborn stage, but Elston’s first year of her life is a blur as we just tried to survive and I wasn’t living it like it was my last baby. I would probably enjoy it a little more, savor it. I do enjoy nursing the most out of all of that process and I don’t feel like I’m done nursing. I’m certainly not done nursing in public to make a statement to normalize breastfeeding. But that’s a whole other story ha!

The other side of deciding to have baby #3 or not is that I want to be the best possible mother to my children. And wife to my husband. And. I. Am. Barely. Surviving. Now. How in the world would we throw another one in the mix?! I have so many questions regarding the dynamic. Is someone going to feel less loved, receive less attention, be in less activities or sports? Will just having each other be enough for them in their future? Again, trying not to project, but I wanted a third sibling desperately my entire life. I still wish there was another one of us. Being the oldest was hard and I took on a lot of responsibility that I shouldn’t have had. But I look at Jackson and Elston and don’t want to take anything away from them while at the same time giving them something else… I don’t want to take away the type of mother I could be to them if it ends up different, or me losing my mind… Would it make them more independent? I’m already kind of helicoptery, maybe this would force all of us to be a little less clingy (in a healthy way).

Robert is open to a third as well but is pretty adamant that everyone needs to be sleeping through the night. That’s fair. I literally cannot imagine someone else in this house who doesn’t sleep. Both kids wake each other up as it is, so it’s not just ONE that doesn’t sleep. Everyone is loud all the time, so when someone cries, the other one wakes up and cries too. If you haven’t grasped this yet, our house feels like chaos all the time. Then I even question myself at that exact statement. What if it’s me, what if I just can’t handle all of it and the rest of the world can? Just last night as we have had a week of tummy aches, Jackson was up in the middle of the night with stomach pains, Elston climbed in our bed around 4am, so when we woke up, so did she. I was carrying her around the upstairs in the dark while both kids cried. Surely this isn’t normal, OR making anyone want anymore kids thrown into the mix anytime soon.

As I am nearing age 35 this spring, sometimes it’s concerning that it’s considered ‘high risk’ from here on out. It’s definitely scary because you want a healthy child, way to make a girl feel old! Overall, I’ve been stuck on the age difference between my kids and just concerned about their livelihood as they grow. It would be nice for them to have siblings at their same school, or to go through things close together. I think I need to realize that is not the end of the world if they are not super close in age… is it?!

My last concern with this topic is the timeline. The whole point is giving the kids another sibling to grow up with and eventually be close with. I feel tremendous pressure of a ticking clock. It’s already 9 months past when I first got pregnant with Elston! I wouldn’t want a third baby to feel so left out or far behind Jackson and Elston age wise. I am just delaying the newborn phase and hardest years when once we are out of them, it’s actually enjoyable. Selfishly I don’t love being pregnant and I truly don’t know how to chase 2 people that like to run, while huge and uncomfortable. I’m aware that I probably need to let go of a few things and deal with some control issues (like my 2: messes and crumbs), but I’m working on it! I’m not ready to be pregnant again, or sacrifice my business as it’s in the prime of a climb. It’s sometimes a struggle on balancing it all and putting one first at times and dealing with the constant mom guilt that comes along with that decision whichever way it goes at the moment!

Thank you for letting me share this with you and open up on my internal struggle, as with most things in parenthood, this too shall pass, and we will conquer the next. It will always be something, that’s what this journey is all about. At the end of the day, this is absolutely the life I want, and we have worked hard to create the life we are living. We want to be here… but this next decision shapes our future! Stay tuned (no I am not pregnant) as we continue our journey, and thank you so much for reading! I would love it if you left a comment if you can relate to any of this!

If you would like to shop my outfit, details are below! My top is on-trend and $15 and I found a few different great spring rose top options!